I Haven’t Responded To Your Tinder Message and I Probably Never Will

December 1, 2016

I’ve worked in sales for most of my career and I’ve sold everything from Viagra to overpriced french cheese and currently myself and my brand. I consider myself an early innovator when it comes to online dating. I was doing it before it was cool, simply because I saw the efficiency of it even in its’ infancy. That being said, when it comes to dating online and dating apps, I think it would serve us all better if we approached it as a business and opted for more formal interactions. Love and falling in love is NOT a business and should NOT be viewed as such. Love should be based on the the mushy feely stuff we can’t quantify.


However, there are 40 million Americans dating online and you must stand out or you’ll quickly be overlooked. Similarly to selling any product, there must be something that differentiates you and your brand. I now coach online daters and help them build their profiles to attract the type of relationships they are seeking. Most of my clients are successful men that have excelled in their careers and have put love and relationships on the back burner. My clients have impressive resumes and are looking for genuine connections but you wouldn’t know it based on their profiles and now they managed their dating app interactions.


Lately I’ve found myself shocked and frustrated at how little effort people put into their profiles while having the audacity to complain that online dating doesn’t work. No, you didn’t work, you put no work into your profile or your approach and expect people to be dazzled by your presence on the app. If you’re doing the things below, please stop, and ask yourself if you would represent yourself this way at work or in any other area of your life.

This is why I (and all the other women) haven’t been responding to your messages:


You say “hi”…and that’s it

80% of the messages I receive simply say hi or some variation of how are you? What am I supposed to do with hi? Hi simply doesn’t cut it, especially in a sea of other hi’s. Hi says, I didn’t even read your profile, and frankly I’m not that interesting but if I send enough women a hi, one is bound to respond sooner or later, so hello #38 of 50 women I  messages I will message this week. 




What to do instead:

Let’s imagine that you’re approaching a potential client that you think may be interested in your product. You would probably briefly introduce yourself and tell them a bit about your product and why they might like it. In the process, you would use social ques to gauge their understanding and interest. When I sold Viagra, I did my research on the doctors before going to see them. This included recalling information that previous reps shared with me, using info online, patient reviews, etc. I did all this to figure out what factors were most important to them; for some it was the off the efficacy drug, for some it was getting their practice of the ground, and for others, it was whatever perks and benefits they could get from my company. Similarly, simply reading a profile can tell you a lot and give you enough background to approach a conversation confidently.


You copy/paste

There are few a men on Ok Cupid that keep sending me the same messages over and over again. I’m not sure if they realized that I can see their previous messages. The messages usually sound somewhat thoughtful and poetic but vague enough to send to anyone. These actually crack me up and one of these days I’m going to be nice and let them know that previous messages don’t magically get erased.


copy paste


What to do instead:

I get it, we are busy, and crafting a thoughtful personalized message to everyone can become a part time job. The solution: don’t send messages to so many people. I suspect that many men send messages to every woman that they are the least bit attached to, but not necessarily women they believe are a good match. When I was selling high end cheese, I had some small business customers that only bought the cheap stuff. Yes I could show them my fancy imported french cheese but what was they point it they couldn’t afford it? I would’ve simply wasted my time trying to negotiate or lowered my margins for one sale. If I did that everyday, I’d be working hard with no real return. Sales rule #1: 80% of your sales come from 20% of your customers and your focus should be on the top 20%. So don’t swipe right unless you believe it could be a great match. Hint: a picture in a swimsuit does not equal a great match.


You have horrible pictures

I’ve devoted several blogs to this topic alone. Pictures are important because it’s the first (and sometime only ) thing people look at. For the life of me, I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to post a good picture by yourself in good lighting and a shot that doesn’t have 4 of your hotter friends in it! Everyone has a phone 24/7 and can take a photo anytime, anywhere, so why is this so difficult?




What to do instead:

Just take a good picture! A picture should served its purpose, its purpose is for people to see you. That means a photo should be close enough to view your face, in good light, and there should be no confusion about who you are in the picture. I’m not sure if people are aware of this, but sharing pictures with your more attractive friends is not a good idea. This is like giving a sample of your product along with the #1 product in your category. No one is looking at your or your product.


We’re not a good match and you know it

My profile states that I’m interested in fit men 30-38, living in NYC, who eventually want a serious relationship and a family. Yet I regularly receive messages from  52 year old men from North Carolina who think they will be the exception to the rule. When people tell you what they want, listen!




What to do instead:

This goes back to my story about trying to sell expensive cheese to a mom and pop shops. Why are you wasting your time and somebody else’s? You might want them, but they don’t want you and it takes two. Move on to people you have a chance with. All it takes is quick skim someone profile to figure out if they’re worth pursuing.


You don’t ask me out

I have a lot of nice banter and massages back and forth, but if it goes on too long, I simply stop replying. I have a strict rule about meeting online but not forming a relationship there. My profile states, I’m not interested in penpals. So once we get into the penpal zone, I stop entertaining the messages. Some men just never pull the trigger, yes it’s a dating site and we’re all here to date, but it pays to be direct about what you want.




What to do instead:

When I first started my career I would take time to do research on my potential customers, creating stunning presentations (I have serious ppt skills) and then leave. Within days I would follow up only to find out that they decided on another brand. How could they, I had done everything right, and besides I would work way harder than the rep they decided to work with. I skipped the easiest and most important step, I didn’t ask for the sale. I didn’t give them the opportunity to say yes. I just assumed they would because I had put in so much work. Be direct and clear about what you want and what you’re asking for.


You insulted me

My profiles are very true to who I am and some people just won’t like me and that’s okay. A guy recently messaged me to tell me that he hated my profile but was willing to take me out anyway despite my “cocky demeanor” as if I should be thankful that he was willing to look past my personality and save me anyway. I should also be clear int hat this man was no Tyson Beckford himself.




What to do instead:

Don’t. This should go without saying. Really, this should go with saying. I had to say it twice because I can’t believe I have to say it. Don’t insult people, if you don’t like someone, don’t approach them. Could you imagine walking into a potential customer and saying, you, your company, and your product sucks, but don’t worry I’m going to help you anyway. I’ve certainly thought this about customers but chose to approach it in a more constructive manner but as for dating, if you don’t like someone, just leave it alone. You don’t have quarterly sales goals to meet so don’t waste your time, and your charity isn’t needed.


You got really creepy really quick

I got this message from a man on Facebook after he saw me in Tinder. Yes sir, it’s very stalkerish and you knew it. If I liked what I saw, I would’ve swiped right. I didn’t. Finding me on another social network only affirms my decision to swipe past you. Unfortunately, my name is spelled very uniquely and if you Google Tennesha, I’m the only one that pops up for the first few pages, so I’m easy to find.


What to do instead:

Again, obvious, but I’ll say it anyway. Stay on the platform in which you meet people unless they personally give you clearance to do otherwise. I’m trying to imagine a scenario where a customer didn’t get back to me and I Googled them and found their home phone number, actually called and said, “hey it’s the end of the quarter and I have goals to meet; I called your office and emailed you but didn’t get a response. Just wondering if you’re going to take product now.” See how ridiculous that sounds? It sound just a ridiculous in dating.


You send multiple messages 

Some men get angry and throw a toddle like tantrums the moment you don’t respond to their messages. Guess what?! You don’t actually know people you correspond with online and they owe you nothing. If they haven’t massaged back with a day, they’re busy. If they haven’t  responded back at all, they’re not interested and you can feel free to move on.




What to do instead:

There’s a fine between persistence and annoyance. The difference can be 1 message. As a general rule in business and dating, ask opened ended questions that require an answer. Q: How are you = A: good. Or in my case, no answer at all. If you send one really good message and don’t get an answer in a few days, it’s okay to send a follow up during the same week. If you still haven’t heard back take it as a lack of interest. Pursuing any further will put you in the annoying category.


You have the online presence of a 12 year old girl

Sometimes I wish emojis were never invented. It has just gone too far. The profile below was written by a 32 year old man.  How can I take this seriously. Is he serious? Does he want a playdate?



What to do instead:

Your profile is a resume. Would ever put an emoji on your resume? Unless you design emojis for a living, please don’t. Your profile should show your personality and if you’re an adult, you should make sure that’s clear. Frat boy pics and emojis scream childish!


Like anything else in life, the results you yield from online dating will be a determined by the work you put into it. Will a comprehensive profile and a well crafted message guarantee  that you’ll find love? No! But presenting yourself in the best way possible will never hurt.